kotori4444's Blog

June 30 2013

Hi world,

Not much has really happened. I started writing a new Warm Bodies FIC. It's not very good at all. It's very frustrating to me right now because I can't make it work. I really want to write this thing. That and seems to be the second least blind friendly site I've ever used. It doesn't tell me anything. It's just terribly annoying.

I have library programs to go to this week. Both crafts. Both for teens. One is tomorrow the other is Tuesday. I was supposed to have therapy that day, because she doesn't work on the fifth. But I'm supposed to be at the library when I was scheduled for my appointment. It's not a big deal or anything. I just won't see her until the twelfth. I'll possibly have another program to go to before then. I don't know.

I say that a lot. I don't know. It's true most of the time. Or I just can't think fast enough to give an answer that fits. Sometimes I just give the answers I know people want to hear. I do it so I don't have to have a long conversation. Or get stuck in the position that I don't know what to do or say. That might be a part of my social anxiety but I don't know. See I did it again.

I'm just kind of rambling today. Not much to say.

I'm going to see my grandfather today. It's allways depressing for me. I'll do it though. I love him very much.

I know I once said that I'd leave this blog with a quote every day. I have been slacking lately. I'll try to do them every day now.

I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.
Friedrich Nietzsche German philosopher and poet

June 27 2013

 I haven't written in forever. I did get diagnosed. It's social anxiety. It's good to know that I finally have a name for this problem I've been dealing with since I was little.   I have therapy tomorrow again. I don't know what we'll talk about. I had a pretty good week so maybe she'll teach me strategy.  I got my bike fixed today. It didn't have an inner tube. My dad found one to put on it. Now I can ride it finally. We'll go to a park soon to ride our bikes. There's not much room where we live. Especially for a completely blind I went and exposed myself to social situations which make me anxious. At one I actually spoke to someone. It felt really good, and I'm actually proud of myself for doing it.   My migraines have been coming in full force lately. My muscle cramps in my hands have been bad too. I have to wait until july 23 to find anything out. Oh it's going to be a long wait. Well, i'm tired. I'll blog soon. Night world.

June 14 2013

   Well, I had therapy today. We did discuss my suicidal  thoughts. We just kind of discussed reasons not to kill myself. Then we talked about the panic attacks that I've been having. She says I have an anxiety disorder but she has to figure out which one. At least I'll know something next week. Not much to say today. Night all.

June 13 2013

Well it's Thursday. TOmorrow is therapy, and then I don't know what. I will tell her what is going on. I've been having anxiety attacks along with the depression problems this week. It is definitely time to talk about it. In other news it finally rained, and the weather cooled off tremendously. It feels pretty good outside. I made it to the end of the Warm Bodies fanfiction I was reading. I was sad it was the end. I have to wait on an update on the Ouran High School Host Club one I'm reading.My friend has a youtube accountwhere she makes covers of songs. She has anxiety disorder so for her to be able to do that is pretty amazing. I guess medications can do a lot these days. If you could would you watch her videos  for me. Her username is anotherrose17 Rate and comment on them please. It will mean a lot to her. Goodbye for now. I shall write at a later date.

June 11 2013

  i'm just going to give these blogs numbers instead of actual names.   Well, still feeling crappy. I haven't been out of my room much in the last few days. Yesterday my mom comes in and threatens that if I don't change I'll have to go to the hospital. They won't take me, but she doesn't know that. I really want to tell her how I'm feeling, but I don't want her to get angry. I just feel so trapped. I'm hopeless and suicidal. The pills near at hand are so tempting. I just want to down the whole bottle. The only thing stopping me is that I am afraid I'll fail. Another part of me knows I can do it, and it makes me want death more. I don't know if I can make it till Friday's therapy session to come clean. I'm progressing with my weight loss too. I know I'm losing. I can feel it. But it's not enough lost. It's so hot here today. I have a room upstairs and the air conditioning doesn't work up here. It makes the heat  unbearable. Gotta go. They'lll get suspicious if I'm up here too long. Byeeeeee

June 8 2013

  Sorry I haven't written in awhile. It has been a rough last few days. I'm doing a little better now.   I found out this week that my grandpa is probably going to die soon. We've been told this before, and he's pushed through his many illnesses. This time though it's a bloodclot in his lung. There isn't really a way to fix it. I love him so much. I don't know what I'll do without him. My grandma died eight years ago and I still really haven't gotten over it. I feel like crying just writing about this stuff.   I watched a bunch of youtube videos today. One was Ponponpon. It's this weird yet cool Jpop song. I also watched the next few episodes of Clanaad the After Story. It's the second season. By the way Clanaad is an anime. I need to start writing poetry and stories again. I haven't written anything worth while in months. Someone on facebook had a page I follow. It used to be about a little boy with a major heart defect. In September or so he passed away. He didn't even make it to his second birthday. Today his aunt posted a prayer request for a little girl needing lung transplants. She said that the family of the little boy believes in miracles. How can you believe in miracles when your child is dead. Oh gosh now I am crying. I just don't understand how there is a God who can let babies die. He brought them into this world just for them to die and leave it. It's so sad.

June sixth 2013

  It has been a very long day. I'm not tired as I slept a lot today. For some reason I am very tired lately. We took my brother to the doctor and saw my grandpa. For a couple years we've known we are going to lose him. There have been four or five times that we thought we were losing him. He survived with only a few more issues. Now he has a blood clot in one lung, and there isn't anything they can do about it. I'm very sad to hear about that. I love him very much, and don't want him to go.   Also today I found out my neurology appointment isn't until July. I cannot wait that long. I will go crazy. This is also another suicidal day for me. I haven't felt well all day. I'll post more later.If you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

It's Happening Again Trigger Warning

  I can't do this again. I can't go through it. I have wanted to cut, kill, anything to feel better. I don't care about the consequences. They don't matter at this point. The only thing stopping me is some pictures my mom wants of me. They are being done tomorrow. Then I can do what I want. My therapist has taught me about thoughts, feelings, and actions. And at this point I don't even have the strength to stop. I don't want to pull back right now. I have a bottle of pills just calling my name. I think I'll take a couple and go to sleep. Then when I wake up we'll see how I feel. I'm tired of listening to constant bitching and arguing. I'm tired of being alone all the time. I'm tired of the awful headaches I can do nothing about. I don't want to live like this, and I shouldn't have to. I don't want to feel fat and ugly anymore. I don't want to be stared at just because I look different, and carry a cane. I want to cry so much tears right now. Progress was allright. Only it took too long. James Thurber

And It COntinues

  Today was a lot like yesterday. Only today I feel like  killing myself. No one needs to know though. Therapy went ok today I guess. I'm just really depressed. a girl I know came over for a little bit today. We don't have much in common, so it was kind of weird. I think maybe I will take some Benedril and go to sleep. See if I can't sleep off some of this pain, and the headache I have. Sorry for being whiney today. I don't think anyone should write their autobiographies until after they're dead.  I can't remember who said that one. Sorry

Fancy Title I Can't Think of

  I have decided to change this blog. To kind of restart. Do a do-over.   First of all I must share the strange sound coming from outside my window. YOu know that sound a dog makes before throwing up? Well, it sounds like that. Only like twenty times louder and coming from the sky. WTF?This will no longer be a pityfest. I intend to eventually find a purpose for it. Now though I feel like doing a proper introduction.   I am 15, and a sophomore in high school. Well I will be when the new year starts. At school I run track, occasionally cheerlead, and am on the speech team. I want to study to be a psychologist with a specialty in either schizophrenia or eating disorders. I battle depression and self harm. I also have weight and appearance problems. Reading is something I love doing. Just to pick up a book and immerse myself in another world is amazing. Favorite authors include, John Green and , Cassandra Claire. I also love sleeping with the window open, and waking up early to hear the birds, and see the sun when it isn't at its brightest. lastly for today, I guess it doesn't really matter here, but I am completely blind except for the fact theat I can see light out of one eye. I wish to leave you with a quote each time I post. To be able to listen without presupposing, classifying, improving, evaluating, approving or disapproving, without dueling what is said ... such listening is rare.  Abraham Maslow, American psychologist

Doesn't Matter

  I know none of you really care but I want to say this anyway. I'm deleting my account. This site is supposed to be a place where I meet others like me. Only the people i know on here like me are all jerks. I am too. I know this, so don't bother telling me. The people I'm friends with I hardly know. Except a few of them. I don't know why I am saying this stuff. No one knows me therefore no one should miss me.

Hot or Cold

  We moved into a new house. I have a room upstairs. It gets really hot here at night. I can't sleep with the window open. I haveto suffer. I tried sleeping downstairs and it really wasn't any better.
   I have a question. Does anybody actually follow this blog? Or do you read it and then think damn she's whiney?


  The doctor doesn't want me to see a neurologist just yet. She wants to have me start this new medicine. If that doesn't start working in the next few weeks we'll try something else. She took me off my antidepressant a couple weeks ago. She doesn't want me on any right now just so everything can get figured out. I really wwant this to work.
  My new sunglasses should work out fine. I went to day to try the frames on and they fit fine. They are going to make them as dark as possible. I am completely blind except for some light I can see in my right eye. I am really light sensitive. These glasses will help with that. They don't look  like old lady glasses either. They are like a bluish color.
  I got a new ipod today. It is a second generation Nano. I know it's old but I like these ones. They work pretty well. I wanted the third  generation but this will be just fine. I'm happy to have anything  at all.
  Ok so it's March 25th and it's snowing. WTF!!! It was 50 degrees yesterday and now it's freaking snowing. I don't understand this weather.
  I'm on spring break this week. There will be nothing to do as far as I know. Except doctor's appointments and therapy. FU, fun, fun. Whatever.


  Tomorrow I have yet another doctor's appointment for my headaches. They may want me to see a neurologist. I also have to go to the eye doctor to try my new sunglasses. I started therapy last week. She' seems nice enough. She's young too wich is a good thing. I had to make this safety plan thing. It says if I'm having trouble and I cannot keep myself from  SH I will tell my mom. If im in crisis I'll have someone call 911. I don't want to break the promise I made by signing it. She is going to teach me some strategies to help with my wanting to SH. Oh I need this to work. At least for a little while.
  I'll update after my doctor appointment tomorrow.


  Today I have a horrible migraine. I woke up with it. I took something this morning for it. Then  in third hour I started crying because it hurt so bad. My teacher sent me to the nurse. They gave me Tylinol. It didn't help. I spent fourth hour sleeping on the bench in the pool locker room. I'm still in agony. It's like my parents don't care anymore. I have been having these muscle spasms and cramps in my hands too. I told them this, and they said oh oh sorry. I'll see what I can do. Yeah whatever. It is not fun right now. I'll probably go home tonight or end up in the nearest hospital. Either because  of the pain, or because I just can't take this anymore. The school has a policy when you want to off it.
  Nye fifth period is almost over.

Later in sixth hour we watched a presentation   on stuttering. It was good. Then we go to our classroom and the teacher asks us if we want to work on our book reports that were due on Friday or read more of Romeo and Juliet. I said book reports because it would be quieter. Everyone else chose Romeo and Juliet. My teacher asked if this was ok. I just started bawling. She took me to room that seniors are allowed to chill in, and let me lay down for the rest of the period. Then I had band and we played a game instead of our instruments. The rest of the day was awful.

Romeo And Juliet

  We have to read it for English. I have some homework to finish on it too. I'm not looking forward to it. The only reason I want to read it is because it's supposed to be really perverted.
  Well, going back to school today. joy I just hope this week goes better than the last one did. We have a forensics meet this weekend. I'll have to do some seroous practicing this week. It's on Friday. We also have some sports awards thing this Tuesday. I get my pin. If we get five pins for sports we get one of those nice letter jackets. This will be my second pin since I'm only a freshman. Then I will get another pin for forensics.
  I'm not really writing anything terribly interesting. Sorry. I want to go for a run. I haven't done that in forever. Maybe I will soon. I have to watch our swimmers compete on Saturday. It'll be really boring and hot.
I'm gonna go. I don't have anything worth saying. bye


  Is how I feel. Today is my brthday. I have a headache, am nauseous. I just all around feel like shit. I don't think I'm leaving my dorm at all. Except to get my meds later.
  I did a bad thing yesterday. I cut for the first time in almost two months. The truth is I don't really regret it or feel bad in any way.
  I'm gonna sleep this weekend and nothing else. I don't want to do anything. No leaving the house. Not at all.


  I got the results of my labs back. It's not my blood sugar. In fact my labs came back completely fine. Nothing wrong at all. Wtf? I have to wait for my new meds until next week. Oh joy.
  Sometimes when I get this nausea and pain I just want to kill myself. If I were dead I wouldn't have to feel this shit anymore. I wonder if it's even worth trying to figure this out anymore.
  Bye for now. I guess. I may or may not blog later.

Another try

  Well I went to the doctor today. They think it could be my blood sugar causing me so many problems. They did a blood draw. The best thing ever happened. I didn't freak out. I didn't even cry. I just sat there and let the nurse jam the needle in my vein. I was so happy. Although now my arm hurts. The bruise is huge. I get my results tomorrow. I may know something then.
  They're taking me off my antidepressant too. I am glad. It doesn't do anything for me so there's no point in taking it. They may put me on something for my headaches soon. After they get my lab results and decide it's not something else.
See ya later.


I'm still at home. I usually leave for school on Sundays. Except I have yet another doctor's appointment tomorrow. It could be my blood sugar causing these problems I've been having. Hopefully if they check it it will just be a finger stick. Hopefully too they won't have to make me do any shots.I just want to know what's going on. Even if there's not really a way to fix this I will at least know what's happening.
  I might call my boyfriend later. He'll get in trouble if he has his phone out during homework hour. I don't want that.
  I have math and English to do but I don't feel like it. I'm such a procrastinator.
  Oh yeah I came out bisexually a while back. I don't know why I didn't tell anyone. There's no reason not to. No one would make fun of me for it. One of my good  friends is bisexual. 
  I got a angry birds pig with wings. It's so furry and soft. On Valentine's day my boyfriend gave me a stuffed monkey and a really soft blanket with multicolored hearts all over it.  I wonder what kinds of things..... we will do on my birthday. xd Hopefully something fun...smiley faces
  See ya later.

1-20 of 42 Blogs   

Previous Posts
June 30 2013, posted June 30th, 2013, 2 comments
June 27 2013, posted June 27th, 2013, 1 comment
June 14 2013, posted June 14th, 2013
June 13 2013, posted June 13th, 2013, 2 comments
June 11 2013, posted June 11th, 2013, 1 comment
June 8 2013, posted June 9th, 2013
June sixth 2013, posted June 6th, 2013
It's Happening Again Trigger Warning, posted June 3rd, 2013, 1 comment
And It COntinues, posted May 31st, 2013, 1 comment
Fancy Title I Can't Think of, posted May 28th, 2013, 1 comment
Doesn't Matter, posted April 13th, 2013
Hot or Cold, posted March 26th, 2013
Well, posted March 25th, 2013
Another, posted March 24th, 2013
owwwww, posted March 19th, 2013
Romeo And Juliet, posted March 10th, 2013
Angry, posted March 7th, 2013
Nope, posted March 6th, 2013
Another try, posted March 4th, 2013
Bored, posted March 3rd, 2013
Uggh, posted March 3rd, 2013
fat, posted March 2nd, 2013
Another Day of This, posted February 28th, 2013
'I No Nothing, posted February 27th, 2013
Maybe, posted February 15th, 2013
Pain, posted February 10th, 2013
Whatever, posted February 7th, 2013
day three of mister migraine, posted February 6th, 2013
Study Hour, posted February 5th, 2013
A Migraine this way Is, posted February 5th, 2013
Third Hour, posted February 4th, 2013
Mission Impossible, posted January 31st, 2013
fixed, posted January 28th, 2013
New Beginnings, posted January 20th, 2013
Bullet, Hollywood Undead, posted January 3rd, 2013
New Year New Poetry, posted January 1st, 2013
Why triggerwarning, posted December 27th, 2012
About Me, posted December 26th, 2012
Fight, Fight, Fight, posted December 23rd, 2012
day 3, posted December 14th, 2012
Oops! Day 2, posted December 13th, 2012
November 27. 2012, posted November 28th, 2012

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